open on New Year

Ever since I can remember, I was doing things in hope of averting disaster. This probably had a lot to do with a violent and chaotic environment I grew up in. Little things, such as counting how many times I do something, as there were “good” and “bad” numbers. Since then, things got a lot more complicated. Bad numbers had to be accepted, for the sake of practicality, and new methods of “not jinxing it” had to be found.
For a while I firmly believed that if I kept saying the opposite from what I wanted to happen, then I won’t jinx the good outcome. But then, too many bad things started happening, so I switched to “positive thinking”, visualising the good outcome and all that. And I got stuck in that somehow. I suppose that’s because I couldn’t think of anything else to superstitiously cling to in moments of despair. It was irrelevant that I knew, intellectually, that the evidence for any of those “techniques” actually significantly influencing the outcomes, once they are out of your control (such as, after you hand in the exam paper), is pretty slim. Still, it was a compulsion, a way to calm down my anxiety.
At some point I realised that sharing your sorrow publicly serves as an invitation to certain people to kick you when you are down but also, to share happiness invites “evil eyes” - all the nasty, jealous people, when they know what you have, they know what to wish you to lose.

For a long time I got completely lost in this uncertainty. If I felt really bad, I was willing myself to think positively, because obviously, when you are down, you are not really helping your situation. But then, if I was really happy about something, I felt that I could (and perhaps surely will) lose it, jinx it, so I better hide my happiness so deep, protect it from everyone and everything, even from myself.
So, I felt “happy” about really sad things, and “sad” about really happy things. Fucked up, huh?

2011 has been all about completely demolishing this way of functioning. When I felt happiest, most calm and peaceful, I in fact completely jeopardised myself and the person I love because of this denial. And when I was the saddest, I could not give my body and mind much needed permission to grieve because I was too busy “putting on a brave face”.

I would be lying if I said that 2011 felt like a good year. It was never going to be easy for me, being a Rabbit and this being a particularly messed up year of the Rabbit. So now that this year has all but ended (and I don't plan to leave the house between now and 1st of January) I can safely say that for me, this year can be summarised in tarot card The Tower, also known as “Kundalini Rising” which says:

“Alchemy and Transformation: At this stage of initiation, the soul moves beyond judgment, error, and limitation, for the lightning bolt has struck a responsive cord within. The aspirant is shown the power of his or her mortal and spiritual choices. At this level of awareness, the opportunity for self-transcendence is made known. One is shocked into stillness and surrender. Defensive strategies and systems of denial fall away and all that remains is the wisdom of one’s true nature.

Awakening to the Archetype – Oya (Goddess of Winds, Tornadoes, and Lightning):
Through Her ability to swiftly change and alter realities, Oya ignites the spark of transcendence within your soul. She aids you as you burn through the veil of attachment that has hindered your ability to fully embrace your destiny. Her bolt of lightning, along with Her fierce winds and storm, electrifies your inner life.”

It urges us to “think outside the box”. But also, it crumbles. On our head. When we least expect it. Like “Either the querents must make changes in their own lives, or the changes will be made for them.” kinda thing.
So, this year was all about the undercurrents, suppressed emotions, issues swept under the carpet ending up resolved, one way or another. Some changes I made, and others, which I ignored, blew up in my face forcing a much needed change anyway.

I know that the tower had to crumble in order to clear the way for new, healthier, better, more integrated building. I know it was all a blessing in disguise. But I am really tired and underwhelmed after all that.
I suppose it feels like the grand total of all my emotions, realistically and including the ones I was hiding and ignoring, is hovering just a bit above zero. Which, all things considered, is not all that bad. It’s good to start as a positive Zero. The optimistic Fool beginning a new and exciting journey.

Thank you everyone who wrote, visited, left a comment or made a friendly gesture. The most rewarding thing in the world is kindness of strangers, and some of you have shown me great kindness when I most needed it.

I wish you all an auspicious new beginning in 2012, a chance to make things right, to improve and consolidate the foundations for many happy and prosperous years to come :)

Love, Anne

happy holidays

Well, this year has been one of the hardest, in some ways. I feel like bitching, but I am too embarrassed to be so negative in front of strangers. Some of you reading this, I wouldn’t mind if you saw me in a pathetic state, because I consider you as weird sort of friends, ones I never met but I look forward to seeing what is going on in your lives every day. But also, there are many others whom I don’t know at all.

I am exhausted and this Christmas, so far, hasn’t brought me much joy.
There is so much I should be doing, but for days now I just can’t make myself.

The only realisations I’ve had this year are depressing:

1. I never win anything.

2. There are all these women for whom the beauty is effortless. So perfect, so pretty, fragrant, fashionable, everything around them is just so. I love seeing them but it makes me so sad that I am not one of them.

3. I am such a loser, it’s not even funny.

4. Nobody cares. Ok, apart from a handful of people, nobody cares.

What I’d like to ask from Santa for next year:

1. Be well enough to travel, do yoga and take photos regularly.

2. Write a bestseller, earn loads of money and move somewhere sunny, by the sea.

3. Buy a sky blue VW camper van all kitted out for trips and camping.

I’ve got nothing else.

Happy Holidays...

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schadenfreude

After a long time, I finally stopped caring. I used to believe all people are essentially good, generally helpful and interested. Now I know that most people are selfish. This doesn’t come across too strongly as long as you don’t need them - most of the time they pretend to be interested, make promises, make themselves sound like they genuinely care. But as soon as there is something they should care about, they don’t.
Most people care more about how something makes them feel than they care about real things. And finally, I am one of those people.
Yay for me.

I recently read some entries written by a girl who seems oblivious to the fact that she makes bad mistakes in choosing men. She seems very proud and vain, and in telling what happened with these men, she makes it sound like she was perfect and they turned out to be swine for no reason. Having been perfect themselves for most of the relationship, they changed overnight and betrayed her in most horrible ways. Again and again.
And now she has a new man, another Mr Wrong. Even though he betrayed her before, now, only a week or two since they caught up (having lost touch for a few years), and after approximately three dates, he too became “perfect”. And he “adores her”. And “worships the ground she walks on”.
Red flags? Alarm bells? Not to her.

In the past, I would have bothered to write her a comment, a kindly worded constructive criticism in the sea of encouragements such as “I am so happy for you, go girl!” etc. But now, I just don’t feel like it. Not because I don’t feel like saying it, but because people are ungrateful. So much so, that the surest way to get someone to be hurtful towards you is to be the one who helps them.
I honestly can’t make up my mind whether all of those who are cheering her on in her delusion are just stupid, or are they enjoying the drama hoping it will unfold into another shipwreck for their entertainment. I guess time will tell.